INCAF

2011-12-02T13:15:00.000-08:00

Family Holiday Challenge

25 Days of Family Fun

Day One
My FREE gift to you this Holiday Season

Buy or make a holiday elf or Santa. Give the family these instructions: the elf/Santa will be hidden by someone in the family. It is their task is to find the elf. The person who finds the elf gets to hide it for the next day. Anticipation and excitement gets stirred up as family members try to find the hidden elf. Imagine the surprise element that occurs when the elf is found in the refrigerator, lunch box, or in your brief case!

Please share your experience so that we can all grow and delight from each other's family.

Holiday Challenge

2011-11-30T17:20:00.000-08:00

Has the electronic monster stolen your family? Is your family spending too much time in front of the TV, computer, or video games? Are family members cloistered in various parts of your house only to come out for food? Or are you lost in the day-to-day stress and forgetting to create what most of us long for, deep connections with our families.

Do you want to create some cherished memories? When you look back at the time your children spent growing up, the fun things you did together will stand out as delightful memories and reinforce bonds with those you love. The hours you spent watching a screen will pass into oblivion. So push aside some of those activities that keep you all so busy, and make room for quality time with family. Store up the memories now that your family will be talking about for the rest of your lives. If you make quality family time your priority, you will be amazed with how quickly your family will bond, become a team and have fun together.

Choosing family activities that everyone will enjoy can be challenging. Finding family activities that are fun and educational requires considerable effort and creativity. So we have done this for you. We have selected 25 Challenges for you to do and you will get them sent to you once a day for the next 25 days. While nothing can guarantee every activity will be a big hit with every member of your family, you will increase your odds by making an effort to do as many of these challenges as you can.

Your challenge is to do an activity EVERYDAY before the holiday. Set aside at least one block of time during the day to spend quality time with your family, and guard it like it's Fort Knox. Most of the Challenges don't require massive amounts of time or materials.

Try to do each Challenge with the entire family. However, do not force anyone to participate. Use an INVITATION ONLY policy!

Our family will be doing some of the challenges with you. I will be blogging about how it went for our family. Please share your experiences on our blog, Linkedin, Facebook, and Twitter also so we can all learn how to make our families feel more connected! Make sure you check you email tomorrow for your first challenge...it's a fun one!

Very Few Things Are More Important Than.....

2011-10-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

..... this but yet we tend to forget. If you have read my book, Redirecting Children's Behavior, you know that it is so important that it is in the first chapter of my book. Without this, we become cranky, irritable and start looking like yesterday's Halloween costume (scary thought)! Yet, when we do this one thing, we become patient, more fun and can handle any misbehavior our child flings at us in a more creative and loving way. What is this one thing? Taking care of ourselves.

Parenting Practice: This week take 20 minutes a day five days a week or 1 hour a day three times a week just for you...this is my version of extreme makeover! We would love to hear how what you do to take care of yourself. Please post your comments.

Develop Your Child's Internal Guidance System

2011-10-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

When our children "misbehave," it is easy to be tempted to say, "Stop doing that!" or "If you do that again, I will send you to time out!" or "Do you want me to take that away from you?" One thing that all of these phrases have in common is that none of them cause the child to do internal reflection and are doomed for failure. They all represent some external control by us as the parent. Our goal is to have our child develop his/her own Internal Guidance System (IGS).

Parenting Practice: This week practice asking questions that cause internal reflection. For example, to a child who flippantly says, "I'm SORRY!" ask, "Was that sincere?" or to a child that backtalks ask, "Was that respectful?" Or to a child who says something mean to a younger sibling ask, "Was that helpful?" Make sure you ask these questions in a light, curious tone of voice. If you say it in an admonishing or judgmental tone your efforts will be nullified.

We would love to hear how you develop you child's IGS. Please leave your comments. They inspire us.

Is Your Child Their Own Best Advocate?

2011-10-12T12:45:00.000-07:00

Self-advocacy is the ability to understand and effectively communicate one's needs to other individuals. It is all about educating the people around you on how you want to be treated. One of the most important skills to have in school and eventually in the adult world is this ability. How do we teach it to our kids? Great question! Here are some tips:

There are 3 steps to becoming an effective self-advocate Help your child:

Know herself. For example, your child might discover that she is easily distracted at school.
Know what she needs. She may need to sit in the front row at school.
Know how to get what she needs. Here are some areas to work on:

How to make good eye contact.
Make a request with out blaming or complaining.
Listen to and understand the other person’s point of view.
Negotiate for what they want and need.
Not giving up when road blocks occur for example, the person gets intimidating.
Know when, who and how to ask for help.
Be resourceful. If that person or situation doesn’t work, ask your child, “What else can you try?

Parenting Practice: Pick one or two areas to work on and have her practice with you.

The Four Best Times to Bond with Your Child

2011-10-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

Of course you will want to bond with your child throughout the day but here are four times of the day that are ideal for creating bonding moments. They are as follows:

1. Early in the morning before we start our litany of what they need to be doing. With young children, you may want to have a special chair that you sit in together before they need to start their morning routine. It is best if this is done away from their bed.

2. Upon departure. It is helpful to have a "goodbye" routine. A routine that is unique for that child. For a toddler you may exchange a personal item that can be kept as a reminder of how much you love each other.

3. Upon re-entry. Again, a routine that is welcoming, one that makes the child feel that he belongs and is he is entering into a space that is safe, secure and unconditionally loving. Don't be talking on your cell phone or texting! Be sure that your face lights up when you see your child.
4. Bedtime. Create an unhurried routine that helps the child feel close and connected. Make sure children have their own special time, with you or your partner. Having to share you with their sibling usually isn't satisfying. Being put to sleep by a stressed, tired adult, whose intention is to get them to bed so they can have sometime for themselves is not nurturing. I know this is difficult, however it is helpful to squeeze sometime for yourself during the day so that you have some energy left to connect with your child at bedtime.

Bonding can be a tricky thing due to tight schedules and our own lack of bonding in childhood. We all could use some good tips to bond with our kids. Please share your special ways you bond with your child.

Get in Your Child's Space Not Their Face!

2011-09-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

Many of us think that bonding is done in early childhood and that we don't have to continue to woo our children into relationship with us. Just as we must continue to woo our spouses, we also must pursue our children. If we don't, others will. Peers, video games and technological gadgets all compete for the attention of our children.

Symtoms that children demonstrate when we have lost their relationship are they are disrespectful, they roll their eyes, they refuse to cooperate, they spend vast amounts of time behind closed doors or with their friends. Some experts say that this is typical teen development but this does not have to be the case. Losing our children to their friends can be quite dangerous as most children are immature, impulsive and sometimes risk taking. So our children turn to these relationships when we aren't watchful.

What is required of us is to "get in their space" more frequently. We typically "get in their face" when want to correct them, advise them or take away privileges. How often do we get in their space, in a loving, unconditional acceptance and with admiration?

Practice: This week "get in your child's space" in a way that connects the two of you at least 5 times this week.

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

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What to Do When Children are Exclusive in Their Play?

2011-09-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

Many parents have questions about their child being excluded or hear their child excluding someone. It is only normal for parents to not want their child to feel the pain of being excluded. Here are three things to keep in mind when this situation occurs with your child.

1. Teach others inclusion. If the children are at your house, take the time to teach them how important it is to include everyone in their play. In a non-judgemental, non-guilt producing way ask them to get in touch with what it feels like to be excluded. Stop activities that are exclusive and ask the kids how they can include everyone. Have a rule that at OUR house everyone plays non-exclusive games (unless of course, they agree). Help them see how everyone loses when teams exclude others because it often leads to hurt feelings which can then lead to revenge.

2. Teach your child the skill of getting himself included. It is important to teach the excluded child skills on how to be included. You may want to teach this child a special magic trick, or have a special game that only gets played during these situations, or teach him some funny jokes. If your is child having difficulty with this skill, have him role play with you or with puppets before he attempts this with others. It is unattractive to use skills that are whining and that get others in trouble with the supervising adult.

3. Teach your child how to be happy when he is excluded. There will be many times in a child's life where he will be excluded. Teach him the life skill of being content with being by himself.

An exception with these suggestions would be if an older sibling has friends over to play. Forcing the older sibling to let his younger sibling play with his friends can create resentment. If this should occur, you may want to consider designating some time when the older sibling wouldn't have to share his friends.

What is the Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go?

2011-08-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

Giving up often comes from a sense of desperation or hopelessness. The thought attached to this is frequently, "I don't care." You feel weak and like victim.

Letting go comes from a position of trust....a trusting that if you step back from the situation, a better outcome will occur. You care very deeply but you realize this might not be the right time, or the right place, you may not have enough information or you might be the right person to support your family member in moving though the situation. It is a very powerful position.

Parenting Practice: This week, see if there is a situation that you might serve everyone better by letting go. A clue is to look for situations where you are more invested or attached than the other person.

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of book and parenting course Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF.

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Things that Make Your Heart Go "Awww"

2011-08-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today I found a pink paper heart on the floor of my office. My daughter, 17, had cut paper hearts in three different sizes and strewn them on a path way from my bedroom to my computer where she had written a love note for my birthday. I had thought I had thrown them all out several weeks ago but every once in a while another one pops up somewhere in my office.....symbols of love. Every time I see one my heart goes, "awwww....I am loved." Brianna had no way of knowing how deeply this "act of sweetness" would move me.

This was a good reminder to me that it is not the big things but the little things that make the heart go "awwww...I am loved"!

Practice: This week do an "act of sweetness" for someone in your family.

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

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Labeling Is Disabling

2011-07-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

Labeling a child puts your child in a box that is difficult for him to get out of. Often, if a child knows he is labeled he won't try to do things differently because he knows that is what you and those around him expect. When you label a child, you don't see anything beyond the label. "Positive" labels can be just as debilitating as "negative" ones. For example, if a child is always told how good she is, she may give up who she is in order to be good. Or a girl who is told she is beautiful all the time, may learn to depend on her beauty and not develop her other talents to the fullest.

Remember to enter situations with your child with an open mind and allow yourself to see a different side rather than affix a label to your child.

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Setting Limits with Grandparents

2011-07-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your parents give you children too much "stuff?" One mom from our coaching session handled this issue brilliantly. She had given her parents specific parameters about the amount of birthday presents they could give their grandchild. However when the birthday arrived, the grandparents overloaded the child with too much "stuff!" Mom didn't say anything at the time, however the next time she went to her mother's house she brought a suitcase with her. In the suitcase was the "stuff!" Mom very lovingly said,"I believe you left this at our house." That was it! No lecture. No harsh words.

So look for a situation where your boundaries are not being respected. Determine what loving action you could take and implement it.

Clue: You know your boundaries are being disrespected when you start feeling resentful.

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

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The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go

2011-07-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Giving up often comes from a sense of desperation or hopelessness. The thought often attached to this is, "I don't care." You feel weak and you feel like a victim. Letting go comes from a position of trust....a trusting that if you step back from the situation, a better outcome will occur. You care very deeply but you realize this might not be the right time, or the right place. You may not have enough information. You might not be the right person to address this issue or to support your family member in moving though this situation. "Letting go" is a very powerful position, one of choice.

This week, see if there is a situation in which you might better serve the people involved by letting go. A clue is to look for situations where you are more invested or attached than the other person.

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

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Kathryn Kvols to provide Parenting Mentoring Program

2011-07-13T06:04:00.000-07:00

Kathryn Kvols, author and creator of the book and course Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB) will be providing a parenting mentoring program for 6 weeks starting in August. This will be a highly individualized program centered on the principles of RCB. The focus will be on helping parents to:

Eliminate power struggles,
Create family teamwork,
Be an approachable parent,
Empower their children,
Minimize sibling bickering and fighting,
Become less reactive and more proactive,
Set clear limits and then stick to those limits,
Minimize stress from parenting,
Teach children self control,
Maintain closeness rather than distance through discipline,
Create open lines of honest and trusting communication.

Interested in learning more? Visit The Parenting Mentoring Program for more information.

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Ever Feel Like Giving Up?

2011-07-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded of one of the students from our "Redirecting Children's Behavior" course. She had a teenage daughter that she just couldn't seem to connect with. Whenever she said something encouraging to her daughter, she would just scoff it off. But this mother could not be stopped. She started writing love notes on Post Its and putting them on her daughter's closed door. However she noticed that those too were ripped off in similar disregard.

Then one day her daughter called from school and asked her mother to get something from her closet and bring it to her. Mom opened the closet door and found everyone of the Post It notes she had ever written attached in neat rows to the inside of her daughter's door!

This week, when you feel discouraged, remember this mother's story and make a decision to not give up.

Note: There is a distinction between letting go and giving up...more on this later!

By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

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How is technology changing us?

2011-07-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

Technology is everywhere. It seems like we eat it, sleep it, breathe it. Many of us wake up to the radio or television, use our cell phones and computers all day long at work, then come home to answer phone calls, emails and surf the web while our children play video games, or watch t.v.

But do we fully know how all that technology is affecting us? It is clearly redefining how we interact with our world, and to our children.

In a recent Times Magazine article entitled, "Quality Time Redefined," Alex Williams talks about how technology is changing how we interact as a family. He writes, "Ms. Vavra, a cosmetics industry executive in Manhattan, looked up from her iPad, where she was catching up on the latest spring looks at Refinery29.com, and noticed that her husband, Michael Combs, was transfixed, streaming the N.C.A.A. men’s basketball tournament on his laptop. Their son, Tom, 8, was absorbed by the Wii game Mario Kart on the widescreen television. Their daughter, Eve, 10, was fiddling with a game app called the Love Calculator on an iPod Touch. 'The family was in the same room, but not together,” Ms. Vavra recalled.'"

Not only is technology changing how we interact, but it also could be changing how we develop. More and more professionals are becoming concerned about both the benefits and consequences of technology on the developing brain. In fact the American Academy of Pediatrics has guidelines for when and how much technology children should use. For instances infants should not have any exposure to television before age two. Considering that a recent study by the Kaiser Family Foundation reports that children between the ages of 8 to 18 spend on average over 7 hours of their day engaged with some form of media, it is overdue that we start paying attention to just how technology is affecting us.

The International Network for Children and Families will be offering a webinar for parents in August on this topic. In the meantime, we strongly encourage parents to visit the Healthy Children Website powered by the American Academy of Pediatrics for information on children and media.

Teens look to parents as guides for sexual behavior

2011-06-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's such a common fear of parents. Thoughts of their teen succumbing to peer pressure and engaging in risky sexual behavior, or modeling their views of what is sexually healthy and appropriate from their teenage friends. Fortunately, this article suggests that parents who maintain an open dialogue about sexuality might not have to worry about this quite so much. Check out the article: Teens Look to Parents as Guide to Healthy Sexual Behaviors here.

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Become a Certified Parenting Instructor

2011-06-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

Kathryn Kvols will be personally providing two upcoming Parenting Instructor trainings in July and August. This is an exciting opportunity to learn from Kathryn herself. All who complete this intensive three day training will be certified parenting educators authorized to teach the Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB) course through the International Network for Children and Families. RCB is the only leading parenting education program that prepares their instructors through such an intensive training program.

"I love teaching "Redirecting Children's Behavior" because it makes ME a better parent. Being reminded of the tools consistently, really keep me in alignment with the parent I want to be."

"I have had many careers in my life. None of them has been as fulfilling as teaching "Redirecting Children's Behavior".

These are words we continually hear from our instructors. Whether you are you wanting to start a new stream of income or want a career that makes you feel like your are making a powerful difference in your community, I invite you to join our international team of dedicated parenting instructors who teach "Redirecting Children's Behavior." The next training dates available are:

* July 29th-31th in Orlando, Fl.
* Or August 18-21st in Raleigh, NC

Here are five reasons to take this training:
1. Many families are stressed with all the economic changes. We all know that when parents are stressed, children misbehave more and child abuse dramatically increases. Now good parenting help is needed more than ever.

2. You can develop several streams of income from the curriculum. You can teach the course, give workshops, develop a coaching business, lead tele-seminars and do public speaking.

3. You can have a career where you can be your own boss and work the hours you want to work!

4. It is a good investment. There are parents EVERYWHERE! Frequently instructors have recouped their tuition after their first or second courses.

5. Most people have a goal to be the best parent they can be. When you teach the course you not only help others but, teaching also helps to sharpen your parenting tools!

Completion of this course entitles Nurses, Clinical Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists, Licensed Mental Health Counselors, School Psychologists and Psychologists and Licensed Midwives in the state of Florida to receive 20 CEUs.

If you are interested in being a catalyst for growth and change in families, email kkvols@mac.com for more information.

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Family Team Building - Committing to Action

2011-06-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

In the last blog post, we discussed how conflict can be healthy for families. In this blog post, we will share how commitment to action is crucial in family team work.

What does it look like when family’s DON’T set goals that they stick with and DON’T commit to taking action? Families that don’t commit to taking action in their families often don’t have clear priorities or a sense of direction. You might see one person who takes on the majority of the responsibility for the family. We know who that person is because they are the ones that miss important appointments, run late for things a lot and always feel stressed. Families who don’t commit to action may have a very hard time making decisions as a family. They may have the same discussions again and again, or may fear failing.

What does it look like when family’s DO set goals that they stick with and commit to taking action?
Something amazing happens after teams have developed trust and the room to disagree with each other. They often move on to commit to a plan or goal even when they don’t quite agree with the plan. When people feel heard and understood, they feel more OK with cooperating. Families that commit to goals and to one another are clear about what is expected of each other and are willing to work towards the goal, even if they disagree. What's more, you start to see a greater sense of balance within the family.

Ways you can build COMMITMENT TO ACTION in your family.

Make sure everyone feels heard and understood.
Make sure there is a clear understanding before you take further action.
Before you end your family meeting or discussion, ask the question, “What have we agreed upon today?” This helps to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Write it down! Be sure to write down what the agreement is and who will be doing WHAT by WHEN!

Try it out! In your next family meeting, talk with your family about a time when everyone decided to work together on something, or did something together even if everyone did not agree. What did that look like? How did it work out? Then choose as a team an issue that continues to creep up in your family, tackle it and commit to take action on it!
Heather Remer, INCAF

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Handling Conflict In Families

2011-06-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

In the previous post, we talked about building trust in families and how that was an important part of creating an atmosphere of teamwork in your home. In this post, we will talk a little bit about another crucial part of creating a team - being ok with conflict.

What does it look like when family’s are NOT ok with conflict?
Families that aren’t ok with conflict might get bored with each other. If they have family meetings, the meetings might seem kind of superficial. There may be a lot of talking about other members behind each other’s backs. Families that aren’t ok with conflict might avoid discussing important topics because they are controversial and they might not share (or ask for) the opinions of other people in their family.

What does it look like when family’s ARE ok with conflict?
Families that are ok with conflict are able to disagree respectfully with each other. They understand that people have different ideas and opinions and that being able to voice our opinions gives us a feeling of importance and belonging to a group. Families that are ok with conflict are able to “clear the air” of resentments. They understand that sometimes disagreements can act to motivate us to change. Families that are ok with conflict also look for “win-win” solutions, rather than “win-lose” or “lose-lose (often veiled as compromise)” solutions. When they disagree, they try to hear the other side, rather than try to “win” the fight.

Ways you can be “ok with conflict” in your family.
In the Five Dysfunctions of a team by Patrick Lencioni, conflict is described as a continuum with “artificial harmony” on one end and “mean-spirited personal attacks” on the other. Healthy teams shoot for a spot on the Harmony side near the middle.

Every family has certain rules that are not negotiable. But often parents turn everything into a “nonnegotiable,” forcing other members of the family into feeling like they have no control. When it comes to things like choosing what is for dinner, or how to spend a Saturday afternoon, welcome feedback and debate! It will build on trust and foster communication, independence, self esteem AND teamwork. Encourage family members to express their views and feelings in respectful ways to each other (no yelling, insulting, talking down to others, etc.).
o    Define the conflict. Work together to make sure members know exactly what the problem is in clear and specific language.
o    Reflect back. Control your passions! Repeat back to the other members what they are asking for and what they are needing to ensure each person understands and each person feels heard. Ask them to do the same.
o    Be optimistic and make it clear that the goal is to come to a win-win whenever possible.
o    Accept that conflict can be a little uncomfortable, and that’s ok.

Remember: It’s not the end of the world if a family member steps over the line. In fact, working through controversy and conflict as a team and in a respectful way helps each individual member develop confidence in the family as a group!

How does your family respond when there is disagreement? Does everyone have the opportunity to be heard?

Heather Remer, INCAF

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Building Trust in Families

2011-06-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

In the last post, we talked about creating a strong family team and we outlined the five essential ingredients of
a team: trust, being ok with conflict, committing to decisions, accountability and focus. In this post, we will delve a little more into "Trust."

What does it look like when family’s DON’T have trust?
Families that don’t have trust feel like they need to hide their mistakes from each other. They may not feel comfortable asking for feedback or offering to help with something they haven’t done before. Families without trust jump to conclusions about why other people in the family are acting a certain way without clarifying with that other person. Families without trust hold grudges. Families without trust focus on “short-comings” of their other family members and aren’t able to tap into each person’s skills in a way that benefits everyone.

What does it look like when family’s DO have trust?
Families that trust each other don’t use past mistakes against each other later. They keep their promises and commitments to each other. Families that trust each other can be vulnerable in front of each other without feeling threatened. Families that trust each other have parent’s that are connected and demonstrate trust in their relationship with each other as a couple.

Ways you can foster trust in your family:
Think of each relationship in your family as being a bank account. You can make deposits and withdrawals. When you interact in a way that strengthens the relationship (hugs, showing love, etc) you make a deposit. When you interact in a way that is hurtful, or denies a person of what they need, you make a withdrawal. The goal of course is to make deposits! Some ways you can make deposits are:

o    Demonstrate trust! Give each other opportunities to follow through on their agreements. Set each other up for success rather than failure.
o    Don’t use guilt trips or threats with each other.
o    Be consistent and follow through on promises.
o    Ask open ended questions that promote communication instead of making assumptions about what other people think.
o    Remember, trust must be maintained over time!

So go on, talk to your family about trust.
How do the members of your family show each other that they trust each other and can BE trusted? Where might you need to be able to trust each other more? Where are there good levels of trust already? Have each member of your family come up with one thing they can do that will help foster trust with another family member.
Heather Remer, INCAF

Creating a Strong Family Team

2011-05-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

Imagine an orchestra. Think of how all those many different types of instruments all work together to play beautiful music. Everyone is in harmony and the music flows with grace and ease. It sounds so nice only because each musician has learned to work with the others, together to create something much bigger than anything they could do by themselves. Now imagine how unpleasant it would be if each musician tried to play that same piece of music without paying attention to the director or what the other musicians were doing. Imagine if they just decided to do it all on their own, without any input. It would not be as pretty. In fact, it would sound down right bad!

Families often find themselves stretched very thin, trying to just make it through the day. It's all too easy to fall out of harmony, with each family member trudging through as best they can, forgetting how much easier, more beautiful (and more fun) life would be if thy lived as a team.

In The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni has identified five essential ingredients in an effective team. Effective teams:

Trust each other
Are ok with conflict
Commit to decisions and actions
Hold each other accountable
Maintain their focus

In the next blog post, we will look more into the first critical component Lencioni has identified - trust, and discuss what it looks like when families don't have trust and how to foster trust!
By Heather Remer, INCAF

I Don't Like My Child

2011-05-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

I listened to a Mom complain about her 4 year old daughter for twenty minutes during a coaching session. After a moment I said, "It sounds like you don't like your daughter." There was a long pause, a deep sigh and the answer, "I don't. She never leaves me alone. I can't even go to the bathroom alone and she talks incessantly." I told her that I understood her dilemma and I reassured her that she was not alone in having these thoughts. I admired her for having the courage to verbalize something so difficult to admit to oneself. I then charged this mother with looking for what was standing in the way of her love for her child over the next week.

The following week she called bubbling with energy and enthusiasm. I immediately asked what was different this week from last. She informed me that her daughter had been playing by herself and more importantly, when Mom and daughter were together, Mom was enjoying her time with daughter. She said she realized that what was standing in the way of her love for her daughter was her stress over the house cleaning. "When I was supposed to be playing play dough with my child, all I could think of was that the toilet needed to be cleaned!" So to help, she and her husband went over the budget and created the money to hire a housekeeper to just keep the surfaces clean, relieving some of Mom's stress. In addition, she started addressing her internal, mistaken belief that her house must be spotless.

As a result, Mom is now able to spend more quality time with her daughter, which allows her daughter to feel more loved. This is helping her daughter to become less clingy and attention seeking, and more independent.

How about you?
Feeling distant or annoyed by your child? Maybe you sometimes feel as if you don't actually like your child very much. Instead of beating yourself up emotionally for having the thought, or allowing yourself to get so annoyed:

1. Acknowledge without judgment that you are feeling this way, and

2. Ask yourself, "what is standing in the way of love?"

You can also ask yourself this question in regards to other important people in your life you might be feeling less than loving towards. Sometimes it is as simple as a mistaken belief that can be addressed or tweaked.
By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

Parents Succumbing to Peer Pressure

2011-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

In her recent article in NEWS Magazine, Vanessa Barford with BBC News takes a good look at parental spending habits and with good reason. In her article, “The parental spending craze,” she discusses how parents are succumbing to peer pressure and spending more and more on the latest products and gadgets for their children. While this isn’t new, it seems that there is a rise in competition for the best baby accessories! She reports that experts are linking this to the idea that parents see their children as a statement of themselves and baby goods are now becoming a status symbol.

Barford goes on to point out that more seasoned parents often don’t fall prey to this mindset as frequently. But in my mind, this begs the question, “If parents are increasingly falling prey to peer pressure, how will their children learn not to?” As parents, it is our responsibility to remember what is most important in life, and my guess is it’s not the brand of diaper bag we carry!

You may view Vanessa Barford’s article at The parental spending craze.
By Heather Remer, INCAF

Is My Family Normal?

2011-05-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

Parents can't help but ask themselves if they are doing a good job. All of us at times falter. Life just gets in the way and some times you need to just step back, look at things holistically and check in where you are at with things. Here is a link from the American Academy of Pediatrics that gives a quick and easy spot check for parents by outlining some of the characteristics that make up a healthy family.

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/pages/Normal-Family-Functioning.aspx

Kid's Won't Do What You Ask?

2011-05-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes children don't do what we ask because we ask them while their mind is preoccupied with something else. One way to set your child (and yourself) up for success is to make the request and then ask them to repeat what you just said back to you. Encourage them to use their own words but don't get upset if they repeat back to you verbatim. Make sure your intention is one of creating clear communication and not of posing a threat or making them feel in anyway diminished. This also provides an opportunity for you to make sure your child understands what you are requesting. This is a loving form of reinforcement (and it works well with significant others too)!
By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

Learning from Our Children

2011-05-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

My daughter Brianna, now 17, was on the tennis team this year. The girls won Districts and won their first round at Regionals. They were playing a really talented team that they had lost to earlier in the year. They had won 3 games and lost 3 games. It all came down to Brianna's game. Everyone was watching. If she won, the girls would go on to States. If she lost, their season was over. Brianna lost her first set in a tie breaker and then went on to lose her second set. There season was over. Brianna cried in her daddy's (also her coach's) arms.

We went out to dinner following the tournament and the waitress could see Brianna was wearing her tennis gear and had the more telling signs of a girl worn out from 4 grueling hours of tennis. She ask how Brianna had done. Brianna could have said, "I not only lost but I let down my entire team!" But she didn't. She said with a big grin on her face, "I played my best tennis ever!"

We can't lose when we play our "best tennis ever," but how long does it take for us to figure that out? Brianna's one comment resonated with me, reminding me again in that special way only our children can, that this life is not about meeting every goal we set for ourselves but all about how we are playing the game. Our goals and ambitions are important. But we must remember (and remember to teach our children) that "playing our best," and experiencing life for all it is worth in this moment is really where happiness lives.
By Kathryn Kvols, Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

RCB Instructors reach out to Women In Distress in Fort Lauderdale, FL.

2011-04-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

RCB South Florida will be providing a free workshop called "Keeping Families Emotionally Connected During Times of Crisis" to the staff of Women In Distress (WID) in Fort Lauderdale, Florida to help the staff teach their clients to create safety for children and to keep mothers and children emotionally connected during times of crisis. This event grew out of an opportunity Maggie Macaulay (Director of RCB South Florida) seized when she learned that RCB's parent company, the International Network for Children and Families (INCAF) would be placing a percentage of the profits from an RCB Instructor Training conference into a fund. This fund would then be awarded to an RCB Team with the best proposal for RCB to partner with another agency to give back to the community. “We are always seeking out ways to partner with other agencies to positively affect the community, so I knew this would be a great opportunity for our team," said Macaulay. Her team was quick to jump on board at the prospect. This isn't all Macaulay is up to these days. She also will also be participating in the filming of videos for the City of Miramar geared towards demonstrating the value for children in growing plants and spending time outdoors. For more information about RCB South Florida, and/or Maggie Macaulay, visit Maggie’s website at www.WholeHeartedParenting.com, RCB South Florida’s website www.RCBSouthFlorida.com, or visit INCAF to find an instructor in your area.

Tip for a successful family vacation

2011-04-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Planning a vacation or outing? Have you ever had a child come back from an outing and be upset? Have you ever been upset about how a family trip went? You were supposed to have a nice relaxing family time but it ended in a disaster! One thing you can do to alleviate this problem is to have a family meeting to plan your trip wisely.

Explore what will have to happen in order for each family member to be satisfied with the trip. Many trips fail simply because one member of the family had an expectation that wasn't met. For example, your child might have a fond memory of that ice cream store and you didn't know that this was what he had his heart set on. Or you may be looking forward to a car trip without bickering but you forgot to negotiate some agreements around what will happen if there is bickering.

Outings and vacations can build lasting memories...and better ones if we plan ahead! Enjoy your trip!

Feeling Closer To Your Partner

2011-04-12T04:10:00.000-07:00

It is important that you and your partner are close. This not only provides a good model for your children but, your relationship is also the glue that holds the family together. If this glue is watered down, the whole system gets weak. Research is saying when there is a loving atmosphere, there is less illness. Stress in the family tears down our immune systems and causes our children to get sick and act out. Take a moment to reflect on this thought. Remember the last time there was a lot of stress in your family. Didn't you whole family act out more?

Now take a moment to remember the last time you felt passionate about your spouse. Recall how you felt. Life felt more vibrant, there seemed to be an element of magic in the air and things that normally bothered you were more easily dismissed.

Make being close is of utmost importance. Frequently, we don't make being close to our spouse a priority and we end up feeling like roommates in a lonely house. When your intention is on being close, you will find numerous ways to create the closeness you desire. Here are some tips. Many of these will not be new to you. Please do not dismiss them. Let them serve as a reminder. The power of two makes life much easier.

1. Ask for what you want in a loving way rather than being negative or holding it in and being resentful. For example: "Why are you late? We haven't had dinner together as a family in weeks! Vs. I would really like you to be home on time for dinner. Our family feels incomplete without you and it is real important to me that we eat dinner together." We all know this one however it is practicing it that is difficult!

2. Assume their innocence instead of assuming their guilt. Remember when you were dating and your spouse could do no wrong? When they did goof up, you thought, "That's just not like him/her," and you went on concentrating on what you loved about him/her. Spend one day seeing him/her like that.

3. Touch and hold each other throughout the day without it necessarily leading to sex. Touching releases chemicals in your body that give you a sense of increased well being.

4. Pray and/or meditate with each other daily.

5. Make his/her success just as important as your own. Be sure you make this fun and not another burden to carry.

6. Do something loving for him/her when you don't feel like it. Taking action often changes feelings.

7. Forgive quickly rather than making them suffer for what they did. Why make yourself miserable?

8. Examine your beliefs about relationships and about your willingness to allow someone to be close to you. Many of us carry around destructive unconscious beliefs. If your are not having the relationship you want, you may want to check out your belief system with a therapist.

9. Take good care of yourself so you are not dependent on your spouse to make you happy.

10. Monitor your thoughts. How often are you thinking judgmental thoughts about your spouse? Play a game with yourself that for every negative thought you have, you have to think of three positive things about them.

You can have the relationship of your dreams. I personally disagree with the thought that marriage takes a lot of hard work. I think the power lies in having clear intentions. Unfortunately, some of us spend time just making it from day to day. We become oblivious to how we feel and how we make others feel. We exist in quiet desperation. How do we determine our intentions? We determine them by looking at our results. So if you don't like what you have in your relationship, change your intention. It takes a brave individual to look at life this way because it is often easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility for our lives.
By Kathryn Kvols,
Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior, Founder of INCAF

Teen Texting During Family Time

2011-04-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

Social networking can be a big bone of contention between parents and teens. Parents feel disconnected, disrespected and annoyed when their teen texts during family time. Teens feel annoyed, rebellious and like they are missing out when parents ask them not to text.

Why are teens so captivated with texting?
According to a study done by Harrisinteractive:

A majority (57%) of teens view their cell phone as the key to their social life.
Second only to clothing, teens say a person’s cell phone tells the most about their social status or popularity, outranking jewelry, watches and shoes.
80% say their cell phone provides a sense of security while on the go, confirming that the cell phone has become their mobile safety net when needing a ride (79%), getting important information (51%), or just helping out someone in trouble (35%).

So how do you deal with constant texting of your teen when it interferes with developing a deeper family connection?
Our family found one solution that created a win/win to this dilemma of texting during family time:

On a recent road trip with another mother and daughter to find “the perfect” prom dress, we discovered a game that is prevalent in the social networking world. It is a virtual scavenger hunt. Here is how to play:

Before you arrive at your destination, determine the list of items that you will need to find when you get there. Our list included a monkey, a red hat, a yellow flower… you get the idea. We had twelve items on our list. When you find the item, you take a picture of it with someone in your group holding the item or next to the item. Your teen then gets to post the picture to Facebook, Twitter, etc. or text it to friends.

We had great fun creating and finding our list of obscure items. It was exciting hunting for and finding each object, and we had a blast taking the pictures. Our teens got to stay connected to their social network and we got to feel connected to our teens on many unique levels.
By Kathryn Kvols Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior and founder of INCAF

Note: As always, be safe when using social media and texting. Teach your teen not to post their locations during events like these and help ensure they use adequate levels of security on their facebook, twitter or other similar sites. We recommend setting pictures so that only friends you and your teen select can see them.

Getting Your Child Outdoors

2011-03-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

There is a growing sense in the back of our brains that is telling us that we all are spending too much time indoors, away from nature. This is particularly true for our children. If you think back to happy moments in your childhood, what images do you conjure up? For many of us, it's images of playing outdoors. Yet many of our children are missing this as they are rushed from school to daycare to home to bed. When there is time for our children to be outdoors, it's often a struggle to get them away from video games, or off the phone. Click here for some tips we found written by Julie Deardorff on how to get your child outside and why it's important.

Interested in learning more about the growing movement to reintroduce children to the outdoors? Check out the Children and Nature Network to learn more!

Stepfamily Myths

2011-03-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

It is a common belief that stepfamilies should act and look just like nuclear families. Often unrealistic expectations such as these can cause people in stepfamilies to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, disillusioned and confused. When you factor in the daily stresses of stepfamily life, tension can mount between individual and things can feel out of control.

Often however, a little bit of information about this and some other misconceptions and pressures we place on stepfamilies can cause a positive shift in perspective, improve the relationships within families and help define roles that work. By developing a better understanding of what everyone in a stepfamily is experiencing, it is very possible to improve communication, reduce stress, increase cohesion and increase the appreciation for what each individual brings to this unique family system.

For those of you who may not have seen these myths before (or maybe need a refresher - you know who you are), click here for the National Stepfamily Resource Center's page on this topic.
By Heather Remer, MA LMHC

The Power of Being Present in Parenting

2011-03-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

By Heather Remer, MA LMHC

Especially when times are tough, it is so easy to get caught up in the day to day and miss those beautiful moments when we can truly connect with our children. Yet in the hear and now are the sweet spots of life. The now is really the stuff our lives are made of. What better lesson to teach our children, then to appreciate the present moment? With that in mind, may these beautiful words by Diane Loomans bring us into the hear and now, and remind us of what's important.

If I had my Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously plan.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
By Diane Loomans

Mastering Meal Time Madness!

2011-03-12T04:50:00.000-08:00

Many parents are quick to report that meal times are some of the most stressful moments of their days. Bickering, complaining, burnt food, scheduling conflicts, tantrums and host of other potential problems can stand in the way of a relaxing meal with family. Here are some steps Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children's Behavior, suggests for taking the madness out of your family meals:

1. Ask yourself, "What do I want meals to sound like, feel like and look like? Mealtimes should be a time for:

Talking about their day and yours.
Finding ways to work through problems.
Letting children know you are available.
A chance to reconnect.
Opportunities for families to learn about and experience the value of teamwork.
Nourishment, not only from food, but also emotionally and spiritually.

2. Create a plan. It may not be feasible to have dinner together every night. You could do breakfast together on certain days and dinner on other days. Have a family meeting to determine meal plans, make a list of mealtime chores and who will do them.

Letting children be involved in the meal planning and cooking can help prepare them to make good decisions on their own and lead to a lifetime of healthier choices and self confidence.

3. Set clear boundaries around issues that are important to you. For example, the use of technological gadgets might be where you draw the line. This means putting limits on answering phone calls, playing computer games, listening to music and watching t.v.

Also set boundaries about bickering and other non-supportive bantering. Be prepared for your family to resist your changes. Often they will attempt emotional black mail to get you to go back to your old ways.

But what about my teenager? I can't even get her to come to the table!

Teens turning up their noses at the prospect of a family meal is not surprising because they're trying to establish their independence. Yet studies find that teens still want their parent's counsel. Consider trying these strategies to entice them to the family table:

Allow your teen to invite a friend to dinner.
Involve your teen in meal planning and preparation.
Keep mealtime calm and congenial. Avoid lecturing , arguing or prying.
Sometimes candlelight offers a safer atmosphere to share feelings.
Excuse younger siblings from the table when they are done eating if they are being annoying, so that you can have some alone time with your teen.

Take time for family meals together. It could mean you simply order a pizza and eat together. The food isn't as important as the sense of camaraderie and feelings of support that your family will take with them throughout their lives.

TabooTruth about Parental Happiness

2011-03-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

In December of 2010, Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman (founders of the parenting website babble) gave a wonderfully candid TED Talk about parenting taboos and how we as a society falsely advertising to new parents about what life as a parent is all about. With humor and grace, Alisa and Rufus illustrate five off-limit topics including the response of fathers to their newborn babies, isolation of new mothers, miscarriage and more. One of their final talking points rests on happiness. We are steadily fed streams of happy family images through the media suggesting that our life as a parent will be leaps and bounds happier than before our little bundle of joy arrived but, in reality, research suggests that most couples will face a decline in happiness during child rearing years. This is a hard pill to swallow and, as Rufus and Alisa suggest, may be due to how we are trained to believe parenting to be. They suggest that by adequately preparing parents, we as a society can begin to raise the bar of happiness for parents over time, increasing the number of moments of pure joy that can be found in parenting and maybe reducing those moments of extreme frustration and loneliness.

I'd like to take this one step further. In addition to not knowing what lifestyle changes to expect as a parent, parents are also fed inaccurate and at times inappropriate ways of navigating their child's behavior as they grow leaving parents frustrated and disconnected from their children. I believe that in addition to more frank and honest discussions about parenting, the more we work to empower families in ways that increases peace and cooperation in the home, the more we can raise that happiness bar. I think this is an area where Redirecting Children's Behavior truly shines by giving parents practical tools that reduce the stress within the home and allow families to experience more moments of genuine and joyous connection.

Click here to see Alisa's and Rufos's fabulous talk in its entirety.

By Heather Remer, MA - Guest Blogger for INCAF

Helping Your Child Transition Activities

2011-02-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

How well does your child transition from one activity to another? If your child has difficulty moving from, say playing to dinner try these tips:

Give them notice: Give little Sally a five minute heads up! "Sally, five minutes until dinner. Get ready to put your toys away!"
Use a timer. "Jeremy, when the timer goes off, that means it's time to go wash your hands and come to dinner."
Paint them a picture. No, not with acrylics or oils. Help them get a picture of what's going on next. For instance, "After this game we are going to go visit Nanny and Grandpa and play in their backyard together!"
Create routines. Create routines for the daily transitions such as getting ready in the morning, mealtime and bedtime. Routines help the child to feel more secure.

Let's think about this. You probably don't enjoy being ripped away from something when you are in the middle of it either. Neither do children. Sometimes just a little prevention on our parts can make transitioning from one task to another some much better for everybody!

Don't Have Time To Negotiate With Your Child?

2011-02-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

Some children want to negotiate everything! Parents just don't have time to negotiate everything, nor should they. Children should have some things that are negotiable, like where they want to do their homework, what to have for dinner, or what pajamas they wear to bed. They should also have some things that are not negotiable, like doing their homework, wearing their seat belt, or going to bed at a certain time.

It is helpful for the parent to say at the beginning of the communication, "This is negotiable, or this is not negotiable". In this way, the child knows ahead of time which one it is, and as a result this phrase will cut down your arguing dramatically. This will be especially true if you "stick to your guns" when you say "this is not negotiable".

For more on negotiation watch my short video: