Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Feeling Closer To Your Partner
It is important that you and your partner are close. This not only provides a good model for your children but, your relationship is also the glue that holds the family together. If this glue is watered down, the whole system gets weak. Research is saying when there is a loving atmosphere, there is less illness. Stress in the family tears down our immune systems and causes our children to get sick and act out. Take a moment to reflect on this thought. Remember the last time there was a lot of stress in your family. Didn't you whole family act out more?
Now take a moment to remember the last time you felt passionate about your spouse. Recall how you felt. Life felt more vibrant, there seemed to be an element of magic in the air and things that normally bothered you were more easily dismissed.
Make being close is of utmost importance. Frequently, we don't make being close to our spouse a priority and we end up feeling like roommates in a lonely house. When your intention is on being close, you will find numerous ways to create the closeness you desire. Here are some tips. Many of these will not be new to you. Please do not dismiss them. Let them serve as a reminder. The power of two makes life much easier.
1. Ask for what you want in a loving way rather than being negative or holding it in and being resentful. For example: "Why are you late? We haven't had dinner together as a family in weeks! Vs. I would really like you to be home on time for dinner. Our family feels incomplete without you and it is real important to me that we eat dinner together." We all know this one however it is practicing it that is difficult!
2. Assume their innocence instead of assuming their guilt. Remember when you were dating and your spouse could do no wrong? When they did goof up, you thought, "That's just not like him/her," and you went on concentrating on what you loved about him/her. Spend one day seeing him/her like that.
3. Touch and hold each other throughout the day without it necessarily leading to sex. Touching releases chemicals in your body that give you a sense of increased well being.
4. Pray and/or meditate with each other daily.
5. Make his/her success just as important as your own. Be sure you make this fun and not another burden to carry.
6. Do something loving for him/her when you don't feel like it. Taking action often changes feelings.
7. Forgive quickly rather than making them suffer for what they did. Why make yourself miserable?
8. Examine your beliefs about relationships and about your willingness to allow someone to be close to you. Many of us carry around destructive unconscious beliefs. If your are not having the relationship you want, you may want to check out your belief system with a therapist.
9. Take good care of yourself so you are not dependent on your spouse to make you happy.
10. Monitor your thoughts. How often are you thinking judgmental thoughts about your spouse? Play a game with yourself that for every negative thought you have, you have to think of three positive things about them.
You can have the relationship of your dreams. I personally disagree with the thought that marriage takes a lot of hard work. I think the power lies in having clear intentions. Unfortunately, some of us spend time just making it from day to day. We become oblivious to how we feel and how we make others feel. We exist in quiet desperation. How do we determine our intentions? We determine them by looking at our results. So if you don't like what you have in your relationship, change your intention. It takes a brave individual to look at life this way because it is often easier to blame someone else than it is to take responsibility for our lives.
By Kathryn Kvols,
Author of Redirecting Children's Behavior, Founder of INCAF